Lately: Christmas edition

This holiday season has felt different than any before. It has been a juggling act, a holding of both joy and sadness. Moving and sifting the emotions of disappointment and gladness between my hands. Feeling the weight of each and allowing them to have a voice in these last weeks.

There has been illness and chronic pain that has shadowed us heavily for the past year. But it’s Christmas, so much joy and holiday fun. Just enjoy the season! So easy to do, or it should be.

My children are growing up and becoming their own people. They are slowly peeling themselves away from our little nuclear family, as they should. They have school and jobs and friends and love interests that require their time.

The house vacillates between loud bursts of joy or fights and a quiet stillness that is only broken by the snores of my sleeping dogs. The funny part is I love the quiet and I long for it. But now that there is more of it, it comes with a melancholy too.

What I’m learning and allowing myself is permission to hold them both. Letting them coexist, together. Side by side, each elbowing for attention. Both are ok. The mourning of what was and the anticipation of what is to come. The loneliness and the freedom. The joy and the hurt.

The quiet moments of Christmas to reflect on what a gift we have been given.

The loud boisterous piano playing Christmas carols that drive us all crazy and hold the sweetest family memories.

Tonight at our church Christmas eve, there was a shroud of candlelight that hung around us. It held a holy peace; a deep connectedness that I experienced. We sang a blessing to each other in that sacred moment. Tiny hands held flickering candles, arms were wrapped around siblings, heads leaned on shoulders of parents. It was a thin place between the now and not yet.

It was a gift and I recognized it and held it.

Merry Christmas friends. Peace and joy be upon you.